Stormy weather is a powerful force. It can whirl us around, knock us off our feet with a strong gust, drench us with rain, threaten to freeze us with ice and snow, and fling hail at us. But it can’t harm or get inside of us if we’re protected.
But what about emotional storms? What can we do when the storm’s on the inside? What about when people you love are a gazillion miles away and they’re ill? What if you want to be able to be there with them and help however you can, but it means taking only your son with you and having to be separated from your husband for an unknown amount of time? What if your husband has recently been diagnosed with ADD and clinical depression/anxiety and needs you at home, supporting him as he follows his prescribed treatments? What if it looks like your son has inherited some of the same challenges?
I know that these storms are small in comparison with the deeply sorrowful situations many face. Especially since I’m not even the one that’s directly affected. I’m not the one who’s ill or having the insider’s experience with ADD. That awareness helps me to have a sense of perspective. I’m still left, though, with the puzzle of sorting out choices. I’ve spend far too much time during the last few months (years, really) inside my head, devising solutions, weighing options, being afraid of hurting others or letting them down, causing any trouble. Too many choices, and not enough me’s to take care of them all.
In November, we made a long awaited trip down to Newport Beach to the Amen Clinic. They are brain health specialists, offering an incredible type of scan called the S.P.E.C.T. (Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography). My husband had had a couple of serious head injuries when he was a child. For years we’ve wondered if there had been residual effects of the trauma, because of the continued challenges he’s faced. We learned about the scans a few years ago, through Dr. Amen’s book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.
We are SO thankful to have been able to go. We were able to find out answers to a lot of questions, years of confusing behaviour now makes more sense. We’re grateful to the Amen Clinic’s team of technicians and psychologists for their insights, recommendations, and ongoing support. My husband has some real hope that he’ll finally be able to accomplish what he’s been wanting to do. For me, there’s comfort in understanding that when he’s being oppositional/argumentative and forgetting his promises, it’s not personal, it has to do with wiring. It’s an understanding that gives me something warmer to wear . . .
as I dance in the rain of loneliness
that falls from the clouds of his involuntary disconnection.
Hope is my partner,
gently leading me to take another step.
This blog has never been about my having a perfect life with no troubles, no frustrations, no fears. Life is full of challenges, stresses — sometimes overwhelmingly so — and for that very reason, I believe it’s vital to remember that there is still beauty, still love, still hope. So, I walk. I listen. I search. I remember. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what it’s like outside, whether it’s clear, cloudy, still, windy, or raining, whether the tide is in or it’s out, I can always count on the bay to be a beautiful, healing place of solace. Being here has made an immeasurable difference in my life. And I’m deeply thankful.